I have recently had the opportunity to ponder what causes marriages to fail. I was reminded of something that I learned a few years ago. In one of my classes, my brilliant professor told the story of a research project that was done a while back. Couples were observed interacting with each other. Cameras were placed in apartments. This is way before we had reality shows. What I remembered is that they were able to predict whether a couple would get divorced or not. I also remembered that criticism was the behavior that would predict divorce.
Because I have been talking about this so much, I decided to look it up and see if I really had remembered it correctly. I thought, "Oh, I probably won't be able to find it." Wah lah Google. Not only did I find it easily, but I had remembered it correctly. AMAZING study done by John Gottman. He has spent years studying marriages. He can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will get divorced after watching them for only five minutes!!
The reason he can do this is because he has discovered which behaviors will lead to a break up.
1) Harsh start up. If you start a discussion harsh, it usually ends harsh. Start soft, end soft.
2) The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
3) Flooding (overwhelming negativity leaving partner shell shocked)
4) Body Language. People get so upset that they cannot maintain the discussion. It is hard to problem solve when we can't think straight because we are so upset. Be calm.
5) Failed repair attempts. The "repair attempt" is the happy couples secret weapon. Something like a laugh or apology breaking the tension.
6) Bad Memories. Recalling the past with a negative view.
I thought this was pretty interesting stuff. I think everyone is interested in building their relationship. I have the Four Agreements on the blog, but I don't know how often anyone thinks about them. So important. I talk a lot about framing your feelings from your own perspective, such as "I feel.....,when you....." I do this at school and in lots of discussions. I found it interesting that Gottman uses this as well. Well, this is what happens when I don't have any pictures to blog about. Love you all!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
2010
Thanks Lindsay for keeping us going.
2010
1) More listening and less list making.
2) Be kinder to the people that I meet "along the way."
3) Continue to ponder my LPC dream. (just five classes)
4) Continue my physical goals.
5) Enjoy my hobbies
6) Magnify my calling
7) Keep trying to do all of the things that I try to do.
Not very profound or even well written, but a goal unwritten is just a wish!
2010
1) More listening and less list making.
2) Be kinder to the people that I meet "along the way."
3) Continue to ponder my LPC dream. (just five classes)
4) Continue my physical goals.
5) Enjoy my hobbies
6) Magnify my calling
7) Keep trying to do all of the things that I try to do.
Not very profound or even well written, but a goal unwritten is just a wish!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Jennifer Laura Lewis Cunningham
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER!!Today we celebrated Jenn's 30th birthday. Wow!! Well, we did the traditional party today. Cake from Dick's Bakery, roast, mashed potatoes, homemade rolls, and everyone telling what they loved about Jenn. It was fun to get together. Thanks Jenn for being a wonderful daughter, darling mom, gorgeous wife, and caring granddaughter. We are so grateful that you are part of our family. You help us all appreciate "yellow"! I am grateful to be your mom and watch you do all of the things that you do!
J--I'm going to say "generous" because there is no way to describe you without using that word.
E--Easy to please
N--Neighborly to EVERYONE!
N--Never on a schedule. Always time for fun!
I--Interested in everyone and everything. (including ice cream)
F--F--U--N (I don't even need to say it)
E--Ever stitching, framing, painting, building, creating, cooking.
R--Resting, resting, resting. Always love a good nap.
Love you dollface! So glad you live close by and love to share those cute kids!
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Mothers
Hello Everyone,
I have been a busy girl, and I haven't had time to post. But it is a New Year. When I was at Deseret Book for the fifth or sixth time in December, I came across a book called, "Broken Things to Mend", by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I bought one for a friend and one of the "offspring". I thought it looked like a great book. I heard some people talking about how great it was, and soon I was sorry that I hadn't bought one for myself. Oh well, there is always January. Then I noticed one in the guest room. I thought maybe our "guests" had gotten it for a present. "Well, no," Lindsay said, "Mom, it is yours". Where had it come from? It was in my pile of lovely gifts that I had received at the time Mom passed away. I soon remembered that it was from our former Bishop and his sweet wife. Any way I started to read it the other day. It really is a wonderful book. It will go on my "keep" shelf. I could not help but think about all of my cute mommies as I read from the chapter called "Because She is a Mother", and I quote from Elder Holland, "......In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife-or both-may still be in school or in those earliest and lean stages of developing the husband's bread winning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs: Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teething, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island....... Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Remember, through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, you know deep down inside that you are doing God's work. You know that in your motherhood you are in an eternal partnership with Him."
LOVE YOU ALL. You are doing a GREAT job of a marvelous work.
I have been a busy girl, and I haven't had time to post. But it is a New Year. When I was at Deseret Book for the fifth or sixth time in December, I came across a book called, "Broken Things to Mend", by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I bought one for a friend and one of the "offspring". I thought it looked like a great book. I heard some people talking about how great it was, and soon I was sorry that I hadn't bought one for myself. Oh well, there is always January. Then I noticed one in the guest room. I thought maybe our "guests" had gotten it for a present. "Well, no," Lindsay said, "Mom, it is yours". Where had it come from? It was in my pile of lovely gifts that I had received at the time Mom passed away. I soon remembered that it was from our former Bishop and his sweet wife. Any way I started to read it the other day. It really is a wonderful book. It will go on my "keep" shelf. I could not help but think about all of my cute mommies as I read from the chapter called "Because She is a Mother", and I quote from Elder Holland, "......In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife-or both-may still be in school or in those earliest and lean stages of developing the husband's bread winning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs: Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teething, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island....... Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Remember, through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, you know deep down inside that you are doing God's work. You know that in your motherhood you are in an eternal partnership with Him."
LOVE YOU ALL. You are doing a GREAT job of a marvelous work.
alright lindsay...
i don't really believe in new years' resolutions, but i'll take you up on the Christlike attribute we want to work on. i want to work on being kinder also. i have a nasty habit of intensely disliking anyone that even slightly bothers me, espeically in the workplace. so my goal is to not be like that anymore. the end!
oh, and i guess some other goals are going to the temple once a week, graduating with a least a 3.5 [all my motivation for good grades has deserted me], and find a new job upon graduation. happy new year!
oh, and i guess some other goals are going to the temple once a week, graduating with a least a 3.5 [all my motivation for good grades has deserted me], and find a new job upon graduation. happy new year!
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