Marriage

I have recently had the opportunity to ponder what causes marriages to fail. I was reminded of something that I learned a few years ago. In one of my classes, my brilliant professor told the story of a research project that was done a while back. Couples were observed interacting with each other. Cameras were placed in apartments. This is way before we had reality shows. What I remembered is that they were able to predict whether a couple would get divorced or not. I also remembered that criticism was the behavior that would predict divorce.

Because I have been talking about this so much, I decided to look it up and see if I really had remembered it correctly. I thought, "Oh, I probably won't be able to find it." Wah lah Google. Not only did I find it easily, but I had remembered it correctly. AMAZING study done by John Gottman. He has spent years studying marriages. He can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will get divorced after watching them for only five minutes!!

The reason he can do this is because he has discovered which behaviors will lead to a break up.

1) Harsh start up. If you start a discussion harsh, it usually ends harsh. Start soft, end soft.
2) The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling)
3) Flooding (overwhelming negativity leaving partner shell shocked)
4) Body Language. People get so upset that they cannot maintain the discussion. It is hard to problem solve when we can't think straight because we are so upset. Be calm.
5) Failed repair attempts. The "repair attempt" is the happy couples secret weapon. Something like a laugh or apology breaking the tension.
6) Bad Memories. Recalling the past with a negative view.

I thought this was pretty interesting stuff. I think everyone is interested in building their relationship. I have the Four Agreements on the blog, but I don't know how often anyone thinks about them. So important. I talk a lot about framing your feelings from your own perspective, such as "I feel.....,when you....." I do this at school and in lots of discussions. I found it interesting that Gottman uses this as well. Well, this is what happens when I don't have any pictures to blog about. Love you all!!