The thing about decisions is that you first have to "decide" to decide. One can just "not decide". But then isn't that a decision? One of the problems with life is that it doesn't matter if you are an emotional train wreck, it just keeps happening. So I "decide" to get up everyday. I "decide" to keep breathing. I "decide" I want to keep my job so I have to perform at a certain level. My co workers just happen to be the most amazing people on the planet, so this is doable. But there are so many other decisions that are mentally, physically, and emotionally SO draining. What do I do with the basement? What do I do with My Guy's office? There is a part of me (no small part), that feels like not one thing can be changed, cleaned, organized, or touched. EVER, not EVER! Everything that even has his writing on has become sacred. Jeff has been monumentally helpful with this. I know whatever he tells me is exactly what Bill would say. This is a huge blessing in my life. So I continue to decide things, carry out the decision, revisit the decision, continue to carry it out, continue to revisit....you get the idea. But I recently made a huge decision. When I was visiting Lindsay in April, My Guy planted our pansies. We both LOVE pansies. He mostly loves all of the tropical plants, and can't tell the difference between petunias and marigolds, but we both LOVE pansies. I am sure it is because we have them through the winter. Anyway all summer long I have guarded those pansies with my life. But they are starting to look a little tenuous. SO WHAT DO I DO??? I recognize that I can't keep them alive forever, even though that seems simple enough. Just not realistic. SO, I went out and bought some new ones. In my feeble (not as sharp as I used to be) mind, I have made the decision that "his" pansies will ALWAYS be alive, as long as there are pansies in those pots (even if they are mine). I will never, ever know which ones are his or which ones are mine, because they are now blended and OURS. Perfect? I think so. NOT revisiting this one.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Decisions
The thing about decisions is that you first have to "decide" to decide. One can just "not decide". But then isn't that a decision? One of the problems with life is that it doesn't matter if you are an emotional train wreck, it just keeps happening. So I "decide" to get up everyday. I "decide" to keep breathing. I "decide" I want to keep my job so I have to perform at a certain level. My co workers just happen to be the most amazing people on the planet, so this is doable. But there are so many other decisions that are mentally, physically, and emotionally SO draining. What do I do with the basement? What do I do with My Guy's office? There is a part of me (no small part), that feels like not one thing can be changed, cleaned, organized, or touched. EVER, not EVER! Everything that even has his writing on has become sacred. Jeff has been monumentally helpful with this. I know whatever he tells me is exactly what Bill would say. This is a huge blessing in my life. So I continue to decide things, carry out the decision, revisit the decision, continue to carry it out, continue to revisit....you get the idea. But I recently made a huge decision. When I was visiting Lindsay in April, My Guy planted our pansies. We both LOVE pansies. He mostly loves all of the tropical plants, and can't tell the difference between petunias and marigolds, but we both LOVE pansies. I am sure it is because we have them through the winter. Anyway all summer long I have guarded those pansies with my life. But they are starting to look a little tenuous. SO WHAT DO I DO??? I recognize that I can't keep them alive forever, even though that seems simple enough. Just not realistic. SO, I went out and bought some new ones. In my feeble (not as sharp as I used to be) mind, I have made the decision that "his" pansies will ALWAYS be alive, as long as there are pansies in those pots (even if they are mine). I will never, ever know which ones are his or which ones are mine, because they are now blended and OURS. Perfect? I think so. NOT revisiting this one.
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1 comment:
Oh this makes my heart hurt. So sweet he did that for you. What a clever idea, though!
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