"The Year" Rolls into "Years"



My very wise, very older brother sent me a text early yesterday morning that said "For some things we don't need reminders.  Because we can't and don't want to forget.  Thinking of you."  Thanks Z.  This is a perfect description of how I feel.  I want and need to function in all of my roles, but I don't ever want to stop being sad that My Guy is no longer with me in mortality.  I don't think one day has passed without at least a few tears, and I am great with that.  So is Bill.  I know he wants me to be happy, but I also know that he is just fine knowing that the love I feel for him has somehow become perfected, and he is very well missed.  Anything that "takes me back" to the hospital is very hard.  I have been "back to the hospital" since April 12.  Friday and Saturday were especially hard, because whatever the calendar says, Saturday will always be the anniversary for me.  I have even found myself missing my mom.  She adored Bill.  It really would have been so nice to have her through all of this.  I watched her tender care of Craig and Pam when they were struggling with their "tiny cups". She visited with Pam on the phone every day.  It really was one of Mom's finest hours.  I was so proud of her love and concern.  She has been gone three years on the 30th.  Wow, what we have all been through in such a short span of time.  We are so blessed to have each other.  We have the most amazing family ever.  I managed school yesterday very well.  Then I ran myself ragged running all over the county because I had decided that I HAD to buy my plants that day.  Also that I needed something called New Guinea Impatiens.  I had to have them for the courtyard.  I have always wanted them and always forget when I do my planting.   Anyway, I finally found them.  Then the plant I had on Bill's grave was almost dead, so that had to be replaced.  On to the grocery store for dinner food.  We were having spaghetti, and I wanted it to simmer for a long time.  Friends visiting, phone ringing and dinging.  All were great distractions that worked very well.  Family arrived before my return from a quick "sick friend" visit.  We had a wonderful time together.  We ate dinner and thanks to Jeff and Brooke, we discovered something amazing called Ruby Snap cookies.  I wish I had taken a picture before they were devoured!  We missed the family that wasn't there, but it is always good/sad/helpful to be together.  Because the basement is in the biggest mess that ever was, and we now have to venture into the last realm of Bill's things that haven't been gone through, and now have to because the room is going to be carpeted, we ended up sifting through memories.  We found the "long looked after racing suit" that Jeff has been hoping we would find.  We found some more great Ferrari pictures.  It was a very good way to end the evening.  Liz, Josh, and I took Jeff home and found ourselves at the cemetery.  It sometimes seems to me that Bill is everywhere, but there.  I feel him with me every day.  Of course.  He is Bill.  He is going to be involved in whatever is happening in the basement or in any of our lives.  Love you, Babe.


The beautiful roses that were delivered with the exact words that I had been praying I would hear.

The perfect flowers for Bill delivered by a dear friend.





Never too young to get hooked on the phone.